


Turn it Off

by elawless



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-18 10:26:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14851025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elawless/pseuds/elawless
Summary: “It hurts…so much…too…much” He choked out between breaths. “I want to let go so…bad. I am so close”. He lifted his head to look at Andrew and saw no blue in his eyes and believed Andrew was real, but the rest of the pain was. It was just enough for him to trust Andrew with what he would say next.“Stay. Give me Neil back. Don’t leave.” Andrew could no longer cover all of his desperation, his voice seemed to crack on the last word.“Just let me turn it off. Just for today. Neil will come back. Bring him back, for the both of you.”





	1. Until The Day

**Author's Note:**

> warning: violence from TKM mentioned

One year. It had already been one year, yet it felt like it had only been yesterday for the past week. Neil was good at hiding it at first but as the week wore on it became harder to do. The freshman knew better than to test him while the others offered silent support by way of changing out faster to give Neil more time alone in the locker room and not putting too much pressure on him during practice. Even Kevin dialed it back on the cutting remarks and instead redirected them to Jack to attempt to distract the bratty freshman from firing more digs at Neil. The phrase “I’m fine” was uttered far more often as it seemed the eggshells were more delicate than ever before under his teammate’s shoes around him. For the most part, the team started believing him more and more. No change was visible on the court.

 

But off the court was a different story.

 

Without his hands constantly busy or the discipline of drills, Neil started tearing at the seams. He showed almost as little emotion as Andrew and exhaustion crept in with the decreasing amount of sleep he was getting every night.

 

Andrew noticed all of this and saw the progression every night on the roof. Neil stopped asking for touches to ground him and became more consumed with what was going on in his mind than who was right next to him. Andrew was ever present and alright with just being a presence, no prying, no touching, just being there when Neil realized he needed something to ground him. Every night would end the same. Andrew would light up with Neil sitting in ridged defeat at the edge next to him with minimal conversation until the time came for Kevin to call them to court for another late night practice. Neil would put on the façade of a perfectly focused player until the showers.

 

Thursday night, the night before their next game against Binghampton, how poetic, Andrew made Kevin walk back to Fox Tower when Neil was still in the shower after thirty minutes. Slowly, Andrew walked into the locker room moving silently to not set Neil off with any loud or triggering sounds.

 

As he approached the stall at the very end of the row of showers he knocked on the door “Do you want me to come in? Yes or no?” After a minute of no response, Andrew pointed out “Neil if you don’t use your words I won’t know what you want.”

 

A moment later he heard a broken whisper “yes” and Andrew opened the door and found his nothing sitting against the wall with the water streaming over his body and the handle turned to hot though the water was long cold. Andrew walked into the shower and crouched in front of Neil waiting still for him to need him.

 

Neil could feel himself slipping, not into another panic attack, but something much worse. Something he thought he also left dead and buried a year ago. He had all but promised Andrew he had done it yet he was so close to the edge he could feel the gravel crumbling beneath his feet. What’s more, a part of him was inviting it in because with that part of him came the ability to not feel and he wanted that more than anything right now.

 

Every droplet of water felt like another iron pressing into his skin. When they formed streams it was as though another slice was taken in that pattern across his skin, and the clear calm water ran red in his eyes. The echo of the pipes resonated with the screams he used to hear from the basement of his childhood, screams that one day became his own.

 

Neil couldn’t focus. He vaguely heard Andrew asking to come in but after that, all he saw was another figure in black approaching him and all the progress he made in the past twenty minutes was for naught. He could almost hear his father’s boots coming towards him and holding a knife to make him feel the worst kinds of pain all over again. His fingers went numb and his vison became all but useless. Before his tongue went numb he managed another “yes” to tell Andrew it was okay to touch him because he needed him now more than ever.

 

Andrew put a firm hand on the back of his neck and put more pressure than most would consider affectionate and recited over an over again; “You are Neil Josten, number 10, starting striker for the Palmetto State Foxes. Your father is dead and you are safe. I am the man who gave you a key and promised to protect you.” When a few minutes of this recitation passed and Neil seemed to start to come back to him Andrew looked Neil in the eyes and said: “Abram come back to me.”

 

Neil’s shoulders relaxed, but not completely, and finally refocused his gazed on Andrew, his breathing finally even. He wanted to say something, anything, about what just happened and where he was headed but all he could manage was “I’m sorry”.

 

It took Andrew every fiber of his being to not yell at Neil right then and there that the last thing he needed to do was apologize. He simply balled his loose fist and internalized it to save for another session with Renee. All he did was sigh with a neutral expression.

 

Neil lifted one of his arms, still weak and tingling from the numbing sensation and reached through the water just shy of Andrew’s face in unspoken question.

 

“Yes” Andrew consented and Neil’s hand pressed into the side of Andrew’s face, tracing every detail of it again as though he had never seen it before. Finally, after some time Andrew finally spoke: “I don’t know about you but I’m cold and leaving and you look like a raisin so we’re going, come on junkie.”

 

Neil nodded, still weak got up and walked to his locker and leaned for support. Andrew helped him dry and change out. Neil, still looking defeated and exhausted reached out to grab Andrew’s collar and asked again “Yes or n-“ and Andrew was already kissing him, feather-light but sturdy against Neil’s lips not wanting to give into more while Neil was this fragile. If he allowed it to go any further, Neil would come apart in his hands and there wasn’t enough time before the bus ride to put him back together. After too short a time he pulled away “Let’s go”.

 

When they finally reached their room it was 1am and because of the long drive they had to be up in four hours. Neil stopped short before their bunk and looked at Andrew who had already crawled into his bunk at the top. One up he turned around and said “Yes, now go to sleep already, I only get four hours instead of five, I’m not giving up any more sleep for you tonight” and Neil crawled in be after him relishing the warmth of a body next to him for the night, praying it would be enough to keep the nightmares away tonight.

 

It wasn’t.


	2. Doused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Water isn't always reliable in dousing fires.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning; Dissociative identity disorder present in this chapter, references to torture and violence mentioned throughout the series also.

Andrew was warm in the bed, and with that comfort combined with his exhaustion, Neil crashed the second his head made contact with the pillow.

At first, Neil felt at peace, finally warm and someone at his back but then the warmth twisted into something else, something worse. Everywhere that was burned on his body began heating up, slowly, agonizingly and each would felt like it was being cauterized. He relived every wound over again but his mind decided to play a trick on him instead. 

He relived the day when he was four years old and his mother had gone out on an errand while she believed him to be asleep in his room. Neil had gotten up to the sound of Lola coming in to help “daddy clean the basement” but this time she was already down there and he wanted to go see. That night was the first night the knife of his father met his skin, two slices across his back to warn Neil not to go in the basement unless he was told to do so. He remembered his mother gave Neil his first set of stitches that night. But as Neil received his punishment, it wasn’t his father dragging the blade across his back, but Andrew with a knife he kept in his bands.

 “Look at me when I am talking to you!” he bellowed. “You will not come to the basement again. Do you understand?”

Neil’s eyes met his, the icy blue of his father’s eyes was pasted onto Andrew’s face, “Yes sir” and he blacked out.

Neil endured the pain from when he was five years old when his father held him under the water in the tub when he messed up that day and allowed someone to take him home when Nathan was finishing a job. The grip on the back of his nick was familiar to what normally ground him but this time Andrew wasn’t holding him to ground him, he was doing it to drown him and Neil was helpless to fight back, he was too small and in denial that someone he trusted with everything would hurt him. He even felt that same emptiness when he did drown that day and woke to his mother after her desperate attempts to resuscitate him. He sat up, weak and his face was met with Andrew’s, his golden eyes menacing but wrong as they bled into the icy blue of his father’s and then the blunt end of an ax met his mother’s head and back, then his own.

Neil endured everything, but the worst was enduring what happened a year ago. He was in the car and Lola was burning his face, the smell of rancid flesh burning set his mind on fire, the pain engulfing his arms while his lungs ached for air and relief sent Neil to the edge. As he began to fall he heard someone almost yelling “NEIL YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP!” but he couldn’t, he was still handcuffed to a seat and burning from the inside out.

Cold water finally doused the fire and Neil realized he was still in Andrew’s bed and sat up with a start and looked over the edge of the bed still trying to register where he was and more importantly, who he was. He saw seven pairs of worried eyes staring up at him. 

“Thank God, you scared us there we thought you had slipped into a coma” Nicky finally said, breaking the silence.

He sat there trying to process what was wrong, what was missing and then he turned his head to the foot of the bed where Andrew was kneeling with an empty bucket occupying his hands. There was just enough light from Kevin’s lamp to illuminate Andrew’s eyes and that sent him over the edge.

Without hesitation he jumped over the bed, almost knocking some of the foxes over and looked bleary-eyed for an exit but found none. Kevin’s bed blocked the window in the room and the rest of the team was blocking the only door in or out of the room. By the time he turned around Andrew was standing in front of him, still and observant.

Seeing as he had no other option he backed away and put his hands up to cover his face and fell into a corner. His lungs began to burn and his nerves began shutting down in an attempt to try and numb himself before Andrew inflicted any more pain in this twisted nightmare.

“Everyone get out now” Andrew managed to get out through gritted teeth. Without hesitation, the room became empty while the others waited in the common area next door.

It was then that Neil began to dry sob uncontrollably as he withdrew into himself further. _I should have run when I had the chance. I let her down. I let everyone down. I deserve this. I deserve pain. Too much pain._ His thoughts were getting away from him. His pain was consuming him; his fear was overwhelming.

Andrew’s movement, a small step with hands up and open in front of him brought him back to the present. He didn’t know who he was quite yet, but he did know that if he didn’t stop him, he would hurt more.

“Stop.” It wasn’t a no.

“Neil,” Andrew said taking another miniscule step towards him. “You are Neil Josten, number 10, starting striker for the Palmetto State Foxes. Your father is dead and you are safe. I am the man who gave you a key and promised to prot-”

“I said stop!”

“Come back to me Abr-“

“I SAID STOP IT!” he cried desperately, “PLEASE!”

And that is all it took, Andrew fell silent. He knew he wasn’t dealing with Neil anymore, not completely anyway. Andrew knew Neil would never say that word, under any circumstance because he knew what it meant to Andrew. Andrew decided on another tactic. 

“Who am I talking to?” Andrew asked.

“I don’t know…don’t hurt me again…I just want to wake up.”

“This is real. You are awake. I would never hurt you. I won’t let you let me. Look at me, I am the same man who swore to protect you and gave you a key. I promise this is real” Andrew was almost pleading.

“It hurts…so much…too…much” He choked out between breaths. “I want to let go so…bad. I am so close”. He lifted his head to look at Andrew and saw no blue in his eyes and believed Andrew was real, but the rest of the pain was. It was just enough for him to trust Andrew with what he would say next.

“Stay. Give me Neil back. Don’t leave.” Andrew could no longer cover all of his desperation, his voice seemed to crack on the last word.

“Just let me turn it off. Just for today. Neil will come back. Bring him back, for the both of you.” He pleaded.

“Abra-” Andrew started.

Then it was too late. Nathaniel had already taken over. Without missing a beat Nathaniel stood up in a fluid motion and examined the small blonde one in front of him. The one Neil called nothing but meant everything to him. Pathetic.

“Give him back” Andrew demanded, loud enough the foxes could hear. Andrew heard Dan, knowing what that sentence meant, order Aaron and Nicky help her get the freshman on the bus before they were late and had the others follow except Renee, Kevin, and Matt, should Andrew need help. “You’re supposed to be dead, gone, he doesn’t want you here”.

A wicked grin stretched across Nathaniel’s face and a mocking laugh escaped his mouth as he began walking across the room to the door. “Oh no, not today, he needs me right now, ha-ha! Me. Not you. You see, YOU were the nightmare, the final straw, he couldn’t take imagining you hurting him and if you want your precious, weak, _Neil_ , to come back then you better play nice now.” Nathaniel paused before walking out the door and turned to face Andrew, “I’m sorry, don’t we have a game to play tonight?” He glanced at the clock; “Wheels up in ten minutes. Tick-tock goes the Jim clock.”

And like that Nathaniel was out the door leaving Andrew alone and in defeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again! see you next time :)


	3. Everyone Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew wasn't the only one that sees the flip of the switch happen and the rest of the team isn't prepared for what happens next on the bus ride to the game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: again violence and DID

Nathaniel glided through the doorframe and was met by three emotions. Kevin was almost pure anger, but fear seemed to take hold more and more as he saw a wicked smile too close to being Riko’s approach him. Matt was radiating confusion. His friend was right in front of him… but wasn’t. Renee, she seemed almost apologetic, not for Nathaniel, not for Neil, but for the other body that was still frozen in the other room.

 

“Ahh, a welcoming party. A bit sparse but, this will have to do” Nathaniel said with mock irritation. Emotions were evading him, feelings were fleeting and it was so, peaceful.

 

“Neil, man I-“ Matt started but Nathaniel held up two fingers in a silencing gesture.

 

“No, no, no. Neil’s not home right now, and he won’t be in for a while. If you want him back, I’ll tell you the same thing I told to the pathetic blonde in there.” Three pairs of eyes flickered to the other room at the mention of Andrew but they snapped back to Nathaniel, not wanting to be distracted for too long. “If you want Neil back, then you’d better behave…you can start buy getting the hell out of my room, I still have eight minutes” and with a shooing motion, the others left. Renee left last knowing she was the best shot at defending her teammates. Not even the brute force of Matt’s strength could stop the sly stacks Nathaniel could no doubt perform with a knife, that, and she didn’t trust him to truly fight his best friend if the time came.

 

After a few moments of deafening silence, Andrew emerged to find Nathaniel in the kitchen sipping on a cup of lukewarm coffee. He stood there, silent, and steeled from his time alone in the bedroom and stared at him. Neil was in there, broken, and right now, nothing in the world could help him. He began to see red, not at Neil, or Nathaniel or whoever the hell was in front of him. He saw red reflected on himself. His apathy had gotten the better of them, he became angry at himself for giving too much space, for not grounding Neil, for not helping him, for breaking his promise he made a year ago.

 

“Can I help you?” Nathaniel patronized.

 

Without acknowledging the remark, he said complacently, “be downstairs in three or we leave without you” and walked out the door.

 

-

 

Everyone on the bus what talking about what had happened in the short hour that had just passed. The upperclassmen were trying to process it themselves, never mind explaining it to the freshman.

 

Neil had been deadly still when Kevin’s alarm went off and made no movement in response to when Andrew climbed over him and out of the bed. When there were twenty minutes to wheels up Andrew tried shaking the bed and telling Neil to wake up. Teammates trickled into the room because Andrew never spoke in the mornings, he was silent until the last possible moment. As soon as Andrew said “Look at me Neil, wake up” Neil’s scream ripped through the dorm. Eyes still closed and trapped in the personal hell his mind was creating, Neil was thrashing against the bed.

 

Andrew and Renee were the only two who moved. Everyone was frozen in their spot.

 

“Bucket” ordered Andrew as he headed to the bathroom to turn the tap to cold. He knew better than to touch Neil right now, despite his claim it was “always yes” Neil’s subconscious might disagree with that statement right now. Renee appeared seconds later holding a bowl up. By then, Neil’s throat had become rough with the constant screams and his lungs were beginning to wheeze, gasping for air before the next scream. The water filled the bucket at an agonizing pace but finally, Andrew shoved the full bucket into Renee’s arms, sloshing water all over the floor while he climbed up the bunk before she handed it back to him so he could pour the contents onto Neil.

 

Neil fell silent again. The room was still and no one could have prepared for what happened next after Nicky opened his mouth.

 

Neil became something else. He became the runner they have never seen. His eyes only conveyed a sense of panic and fear. What made it all the more sickening was it seemed that the fear was because of Andrew.

 

Only when Andrew ordered them to leave did everyone realize they had been locked into place. Renee put her hands up in a gentle motion to herd them through the thin doorway. She put one finger up to her lips to remind them that silence was a saving grace to quell some panic attacks. Unfortunately, Neil’s sobs in the next room and the sound of his pain tearing through him echoed through the walls and tore into the hearts of his teammates.

 

Then an awful sentence cleared their minds. “Give him back” resonated through the walls by way of Andrew’s cracking voice.

 

Dan, without hesitation, looked Nicky and Aaron and Allison in the eyes and ordered “Get the freshman, get them out of here now. Kevin, Renee…” she paused and sighed knowing that what she was about to do, put the team before them, “… and Matt, stay here. Andrew may need help this time.” She held out her hand and Matt squeezed it, knowing the danger that could emerge from the doorway. 

 

Without another word, Dan left the room.

 

-

 

“Another Neil nightmare? Come on, what’s the big deal?” Jack pressed as the upperclassmen sat the freshman in the first three rows while the rest sat directly behind them, creating a makeshift barricade between them and the back of the bus Nathaniel would surely occupy.

 

Andrew climbed onto the bus, catching the tail end of the comment looked at Jack, then the rest of the team. In the most menacing voice he could maintain said, “Listen up! You will not talk to Neil, you will not look at Neil, and you WILL NOT touch or turn your back to him. Just get through today and for fuck’s sake Jack, keep your mouth shut or I will shut it for you.” Jack rolled his eyes in response, but this time listened when Kevin stared him down when he attempted to open his mouth. Andrew continued walking to the back when Nathaniel finally arrived on the bus.

 

His face was emotionless until he looked at the eyes of the terrified freshman and tense upperclassmen. Another wicked grin stretched across his teeth. Wymack stopped him and looked him in the eyes, “Is this going to be a problem?” and he gestured to Nathaniel.

 

Nathaniel slapped a hand, hard, on Wymack’s shoulder in mock comfort. Dan and Kevin let out a short gasp, Matt and Renee tensed, ready to defend coach until he said with enthusiasm “Don’t worry coach, I can still play my game and, I promise if you don’t address ‘this’ as a problem again, I might even refrain from getting carded.” With that, he let him go and started walking towards the back.

 

Jack mockingly imitated being scared to Sheena in the seat next to him as Nathaniel walked by. Before the upperclassmen could stop him or distract Nathaniel, the damage was already done.

 

Nathaniel had seen it and everything happened very quickly then.

 

Two knives appeared from out of nowhere, one in the arm that hooked around Jack’s throat. The second pointed outward to warn everyone to think carefully about their next step.

 

He bent forward to whisper in Jack’s ear, though everyone could hear it as the bus was silent, “You should be _very_ afraid right now, test me again” he let out a small chuckle at the thought of his next words, “and I won’t stop the blade before it makes contact, lest you forget, I _am the butcher’s son._ ” Then the familiar touch of cold metal touched the back of his neck and he whipped around to see Andrew holding a knife up and Renee slipping one out of the spare sheathe Andrew must have given her while he was whispering to Jack.

 

“Don’t make me do this” Andrew said with a blank face. “Don’t make _us_ do this” his eyes looking to Renee who had stepped behind Neil as another barricade. His cool façade faltered when the nightmare of Andrew holding a knife to his back bled through the cracks but he recovered quickly, denying Neil a way out. Nathaniel stepped forward, pressing the knife into the skin of his throat, a small bead of blood oozed out.

 

In a single fluid motion, Nathaniel’s knives vanished and he put his arms up in mock surrender. “You don’t honestly think you could beat me, do you? Even with Renee’s help, you would lose and I’d hate to…feel Neil’s reaction when I let him wake up to see the work he has done, not just to you, but to his entire family.” He gestured to the rest of the bus, then paused and matched Andrew’s emotionless face. As he turned to make a remark to Renee, Andrew hit him in the back of the head so hard, he was out for the rest of the bus ride.

 

The team had an entire day to figure out what to do next. Andrew had a day to bring Neil back before one or the other did something they couldn’t recover from. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so long note warning. :)
> 
> Thank you for the support for this, I have wanted something like this in a fic for a while and I am trying to stay true to the characters as much as possible. I have no idea where this is going but man am I enjoying the ride (as much as it hurts my heart too). I appreciate all of your support!   
> See you next time :)


	4. "anything...anything"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game starts and its not only bones that break and bleed on the court

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: pretty much the same as the past three. Violence ensues.

After Abby pulled into the parking lot everyone filed off the bus. Without requesting it, Aaron grabbed Andrew’s bag while he carried ~~Neil~~ , Nathaniel inside.

 

He laid him down on the couch in the away common room and waited by him while the others changed out. Wymack turned to Andrew and kept his voice low in case anyone else could hear.

 

“What the fuck is going on with him?”

 

“This isn’t Neil, …he broke, coach. That much seems pretty obvious.”

 

“What do you mean he isn’t Neil. I’m pretty sure this is the only loudmouthed redhead in Class I Exy and his name is Neil so you better explain in a little better detail, Minyard.” Wymack strained, his lungs running out of breath as he rushed through the last sentence.

 

Unaffected by Wymack’s increased sense of panic Andrew stated plainly, “Neil felt too much and Nathaniel is something that gives him the ability to do what I do… but better. Coach, he feels nothing for no one and right now we have to ride it out because _here_ ” he gestured to the logo of Binghampton University’s mascot on the wall, “is not the place to get him back. We are going to have to do it where there aren’t thousands of people watching.” He took a steady breath, unsure if it was to quell Wymack’s reaction or his own to the words he just uttered. “Just get him through the game and get him back to the stadium and I will handle it from there.” As the other’s started filing back in with their gear on Andrew finished, “Also can Abby just sedate this asshole for the ride back? Punching him is a waste of the skin over my knuckles.”

 

“I’ll see what she can do”

 

With that, Andrew hauled Neil’s body off to the locker room and woke him up just before everyone headed onto the court for warm-ups.

 

-

 

The game went as smooth as the one last year. Violence was to be expected in every game of exy, but Binghampton had shown up with a vengeance. Thankfully the extra subs could alleviate the pressure that used to come with the mix of a short roster and the inevitable injuries.

 

Three freshman subs were declared unfit to play by the time the first half ended, Binghampton earning 2 red cards but careful not to get a third. Matt got a single yellow card when he tried to intervene to prevent another tiny freshman from getting crushed by a dangerous striker. Kevin and Nathaniel had only played the first twenty minutes of the game until the first round of subs was switched out and they had a comfortable 5-2 lead. So far everyone noticed that the player that wore Joten’s jersey was surprisingly cooperative. He was cat-like on the court, passion wasn’t in his movements and no risky move was taken. Every time he approached a backliner the was he looked at the player it was if he was looking at a victim, calculating the least amount of energy needed to cut around him.

 

At halftime things seemed the same, they were beat up yes, but beat, never. Dan tried to rally the team to make the final push, the original roster was going in for the entire second half, but the uneasy tension in the room was disquieting. The time passed faster when Wymack went into his usual statistical analysis of what he saw in the first half and what to expect in the second half along with penalty shot patterns for Renee and Andrew. All too soon halftime was over and it became time for the second half.

 

Then all hell broke loose.

 

-

 

Determined to not go down without taking a few of the foxes from last year with them, the violence in the first half seemed like child’s play. In the same spirit, all of the foxes would throw their hands up or stay down to avoid cards.

 

All except one.

 

Nathaniel had bided his time through the first half and beginning of the second until a backliners slammed him into the wall, just shy of a card and spat in his face “What’s your problem? Too scared to fight back?” The damage was done. Every play stopped being about scoring the next point, or keeping possession of the ball, it was about slowly taking apart the towering backliner assigned to make Nathaniel’s life a living hell for the remainder of the game. Exy was now the least of his problems, his life should have been his greater concern.

 

Nathaniel shoved him off and caught the concern and warning in evidence in Kevin’s eyes. The grin that had been missing until now, crept across his face as he slowly turned to look at Wymack on the bench, then Andrew and made a mockery of a salute to the both of them before he snapped his concentration back to the game and let the whistle start play again.

 

It started small, building up to set off a time bomb. Small jabs with the butt of his racket into his opponent’s gut, followed by the smallest amount of knicks to his knees when the backliner stood _too close_. Eventually, Nathaniel worked up to pushing back, shoving someone twice his size into the wall and walking away as though nothing happened.

 

Finally, with five minutes left in the half Nathaniel was presented with an opportunity he could not miss. The backliner had grown weary and tired from all the extra effort put in to hurt him. Nathaniel was in possession of the ball, disinterested in scoring another point he flicked it to Kevin in a seamless pass. Taking advantage of the split second of distraction that granted as the backliner watched Kevin receive it he faltered a step.

 

Nathaniel dropped his shoulder down and hit into the gut of his victim. He knew just how to dial it back and make it look like it could have been from momentum. The refs saw nothing until the backliner retaliated and got their attention, everyone ignoring the goal Kevin just made.

 

Andrew dropped his racket and ran as fast as he could to the other side, unsure of who he would need to defend, depending on what Nathaniel’s next move was, and if he had any more knives on him he didn’t know about.

 

Nathaniel let out a sickening laugh, which only antagonized the backliner more. He got two hits square into the jaw of his target and another into his gut. Blood immediately came out in clots from Nathaniel’s mouth. Suddenly the pain seeped through his body and two fights were suddenly happening on the court.

 

Andrew shoved the scum off of the crumpled body beneath him. The only thing that stopped him from hurting the body of his boyfriend was a tight gasp and his name that came out as though someone had just resurfaced from a body of water after almost drowning. “Andrew?”

 

Unable to maintain his rage his eyes widened and whipped around to look at _Neil._

 

Neil was slipping in and out. He didn’t have time, not enough. Another maniacal laugh escaped his mouth but his eyes betrayed it. Andrew saw two faces battle in two features Neil’s face.

 

 “I don’t have time” he managed.

 

Andrew crouched in front of him and put his hand out. Neil’s head shook up and down violently, never breaking eye contact. He wasn’t sure if the heavy and ragged breathing was from the physical pain or Neil trying to keep hold. He put his hand on the back of Neil’s neck.

 

The rest of the team had caught up to where Neil was on the court floor. Andrew ignored them while Matt kept them back.

 

“It wasn’t you…I know… yes to anything.... anything…” Neil was trying to tell Andrew to do everything in his power to get him back. He grabbed onto Andrew’s arm, squeezing as if it was his lifeline. “I’m so sorry…” and his eyes died. Too much blood had come through Neil’s mouth to even think about wiping it away. Before he succumbed to passing out from his injury he laughed as though he was enjoying himself, licked his lips and grinned.

 

Andrew saw Abby coming onto the court to examine Neil. He could hear echoes of Kevin and Dan and Allison blessing out the ref and the backliner and Wymack beating on the plexiglass. The crowd’s roar was maddening. But all Andrew could comprehend the desperation in Neil’s voice and the way he clung to his arm before he slipped away again.

 

When she arrived he let her examine Neil. “The bleeding isn’t internal, its just from the contact of the punches to the jaw. He’ll be okay.”

 

Andrew only nodded and followed her off the court, carrying Neil’s body. He looked at Renee as he stepped off and muttered, “Think you can handle 4 minutes of game?” It wasn’t really a question, she knew that. Without even bothering to check her response he continued off the court to the locker rooms to change him out before the rest of the team finished and the spectators go out to vandalize the bus.

 

He started with his gloves, unfastening them and gingerly removing his helmet. Neil’s head had been through enough today, any more would risk brain damage. He moved on to taking his jersey off, trying to ignore the garish bloodstains against the white fabric and moved from there. When he finally got Neil down to his bare chest, the bruise blossoming across his abdomen was sickening. Deep purples and blue-green colours spread from one side to the other. Andrew wiped him down with a towel and dressed him in baggy sweatpants and a loose team shirt. After he finished putting his sneakers on he carried him out to Abby, already waiting in the hallway.

 

“Sedatives, now. He needs to stay like that.” Andrew knew what he needed to do, but he also knew he would be too tempted to do it here and the Foxes couldn’t risk this getting out in the media. He didn’t want Neil to suffer the same fate he did; medication and two voices warring with each other the entire time.

 

“I got it, I also have some painkil-” she started but Andrew interrupted.

 

“No painkillers. He needs to wake up with it and feel it. He can’t wake up and be numb.”

 

He left Abby to deal with Neil while he went back to the locker room. He showered quickly and was finishing getting dressed when the others started filing into the locker room. As he left Aaron held up a hand to stop his brother. With the same exhaustion he stated simply, “Dan and Kevin are on press duty.” Aaron paused making sure to get his brother’s eye contact as this was a rare moment he would show any concern for Andrew and his happiness. “We will help you fix this.” He looked over Andrew’s shoulders to the rest of the teammates, then back to Andrew’s eyes. “I will help you fix this.” Without another word, he walked on to change as if the whole interaction hadn’t happened.

 

Wymack acknowledged Andrew when he picked up the limp body in one of the chairs and followed Abby to the bus.

 

He laid Neil up against the window in the seat in front of him so he could watch him. After thirty minutes of waiting the rest of the team climbed on the bus, allowing quick glanced to the two seats at the back of the bus. Everyone stayed in their seats they occupied earlier and they got on their way.

 

Though they had won their match, they weren’t as enthusiastic as they should’ve been. Nicky and Allison were the only two that dared be louder than a normal volume while everyone else settled for giggling as they downed the respective handles of their choice liquor.

 

Andrew never took his eyes off of the back of Neil’s neck. He studied the way he had let his hair get too long this past month. Red curls were brushing past the nape of his neck. Each time they passed under a light on the highway the curls seemed to light on fire. He saw flashes of the haphazard freckles that covered the skin exposed by the loose collar of his t-shirt. Andrew remembered why he called Neil a pipe dream in the first place. Someone who suffered so much could still maintain the most fragile of details and sincere empathy for him and everyone else.

 

After four hours, exhaustion began to set in until two people get up and approach the back. Renee and Kevin’s faces came into focus and Andrew lifted an eyebrow at their slow approach.

 

“We know you must be exhausted” Renee began. Her voice low, careful not to wake anyone else on the bus.

 

“We will watch him for you” Kevin added.

 

Andrew began to open his mouth to reject help, already irritated by his brother’s sincere offer, of any kind until Renee said, “He is going to need you, and we don’t know what that will mean for you…” he knew she was already thinking of the last time they were on the bus with knives out, ready for a fight. “You need to be rested, to be ready, for Neil.” _And for yourself_. Renee thought, but she didn’t say it.

 

He nodded curtly and bunched up an extra sweatshirt he had in his bag for a makeshift pillow and succumbed to his own exhaustion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I decided to make Aaron a little softer in this fic, everything started being too harsh so yeah :) I'm probably gonna keep updating tonight. I'm too hooked! Fox Tower showdown is next! Fingers-crossed it goes well :/


	5. Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The showdown happens, and someone has to lose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: Andrew's self-harm is mentioned, violence and language

Andrew woke to the sound of Renee’s voice, “Andrew get up, we are exiting the highway.” The sleep helped, but only just, his body was rested, but his mind was exhausted. The past 24 hours were playing over and over again with his perfect recall. He sat up and immediately looked for Neil but he was no longer visible in the gap between the bus seat and the window.

 

Panic flooded his senses.

 

Before he could respond to it or get up Renee calmly informed him, “we moved him to avoid him getting a cramp. He’s still asleep.”

 

She looked at him sweetly and moved to go sit with Allison at the front with the rest of the upperclassmen and the freshman. Kevin stayed in the seat across the aisle.

 

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

 

“He felt too much and shut down but he needs to process everything. He has to endure without this fucked up crutch. Physical pain breaks the barrier but after that its all in his head.”

 

“So what do you need?” Kevin pressed.

 

“I need to…break the shell.” No one would truly understand how much it pained Andrew to come to that realization. He had to become someone who would inflict pain, like the people Neil promised he wouldn’t let him do to him. He removed all emotion and ordered Kevin, “I don’t know what the outcome will be of that fight but you have to stay out of it, all of you. You of all people should know the damage he might inflict if someone else got to close. If he comes back, keep him there. Worry about me later. Help. Neil. First.”

 

Kevin nodded solemnly. Wymack’s voice disturbed the low murmurs of everyone from waking up.

 

“Alright listen up! Freshman, you are staying at Abby’s tonight, no arguments or exceptions. Dan, Nicky, Aaron and Allison will bring what you 3 things you need by later tonight, so figure out what those three things are in the next sixty seconds.” The bus pulled into the parking lot. Abby gave the freshman directions and the key to a trustworthy one to let them inside while she stayed back, and the freshman shuffled off.

 

Once they were all gone Wymack stood in the middle of the aisle and looked into the eyes of each player for a moment before uttering his next sentence. “If anyone wants to get off and go back to the tower get up and get off now. I will not ask again and I will not hold it against you.” No one moved a muscle, not a breath was released, the world became still. “…Okay then. Andrew what’s the next move.”

 

He stood to make his presence greater, all eyes on him. He looked straight ahead, focusing on nothing and said, “Pain, emotion, that’s how we get to him. I have to do it. I won’t allow anyone else to do it, he gave me and me alone permission to do anything.” He paused to make sure everyone understood the warning in his voice. “I have to break him. Do not intervene, Neil won’t forgive himself if _he_ hurts any of you. I will tell you what I told Kevin. No matter the outcome; Help. Neil. First.”

 

“Okay, everyone in the common room now” Wymack led the team off the bus, Andrew carried Neil’s body off the bus, past the common room, and into the locker room. Everyone followed, keeping a few paces behind. Andrew set Neil down against the sinks in a more open area of the room while the rest of the team stayed clustered by the lockers and door. Renee, Matt, Wymack, and Aaron stayed to the front of the group, tense.

 

“Bucket,” Andrew ordered again. Nicky handed one to him before shuffling back to the huddle. Andrew set it in the sink and allowed it to fill with ice-cold water. He turned to look back at everyone, “Stay back” he ordered for the last time before he poured the water to wake Nathaniel up.

 

 

He was suffocating. He was trying to tell Andrew how to get him out, that it was okay, that he understood everything. He was trying to apologize because he knew what he was asking Andrew to do.

 

But the words failed him.

 

Nathaniel was trying to shut him up, to make him numb to the pain. Neil still couldn’t process the pain, the guilt of his inability made it worse. He started to taste the rusty bitterness of blood and smelled the burning memory it brought back to his mind. He tried to put all his focus into grabbing Andrew’s arm in a desperate attempt to hold onto reality, even as his vision started fading and he left again.

 

Then he was drowning again.

 

He was living in a personal hell. He was in his childhood home, enduring every cut and burn the adorned his body over again. Before any pain was inflicted he would look for discrepancies in what he was seeing, trying to see through the pain.

 

He would first look at Andrew and find anything that wouldn’t match up with the one he called home. More often than not, it was his eyes that gave everything away. The colour of liquid gold was always dull in his dreams, his mind not being able to do them justice, or they had the blue of ~~his own~~ his father’s in them. If he smiled or laughed in a way that was menacing he would know Andrew would never take pleasure in hurting him, so in response, he would go limp at his touch. If he continued, he would repeat over and over again, “This isn’t him. Wake up.”

 

After finding what was wrong with Andrew he would look for his mother. Her presence alone was enough to make him realize it was a dream, the memory of the sound of her dried blood ripping on the vinyl was the only reminder he needed that she was buried in the coast of California.

 

Once he realized the memory he was living was a lie, he felt nothing until the next one surfaced. He craved those moments of bliss. Almost as much as the time he would wake up again.

 

-

 

Andrew dropped the bucked the moment Nathaniel stirred and took a step back. Nathaniel’s eyes snapped open and with a chuckle said: “Ooh, I do not like being drugged or knocked out, especially twice in one day.” He paused to survey his audience. “So whose idea was it? Huh? Was it Coach? Abby? Aaron?” he pressed.

 

“It was me you fuck” Andrew spat.

 

“Ooh-oh?” Nathaniel got up and cracked his neck while wearing a grin “Your idea? Well, I think that definitely falls outside of you playing nice, so I think I’ll stay for longer than today.” He started for the door, ignoring the shift in the foxes as he took a step in their direction.

 

“No. Actually, I think we should negotiate, play a game of sorts.” Andrew said as he stepped into his path.

 

Nathaniel tutted and looked Andrew in the eyes, “Now why would I want to play another game with you tonight? I think one a night is my limit.”

 

“You’ll want to play this game I promise you that.”

 

“Careful.” Nathaniel said, leaning into his face and lowered his voice to a whisper, “don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

 

“Oh, I’m not.”

 

“I’m intrigued,” he said, shifting back, putting weight on one leg in a casual stance.

 

“Me and you. Hand to hand. I win and you give him back. You win, and you keep him” Andrew said.

 

“Now I agree, I am interested, but I want to amend two things and point out something else.” He paused. When he got no prompt from Andrew he continued, “First, of all, _they_ are not to intervene,” he said gesturing to the team. “Second, I don’t do hand to hand, I only deal in knives, you know better than that. And third, when I play and win, I don’t get anything, I already have Neil. _When_ I win, I want you, gone. Understand?”

 

“Andrew n-” someone started.

 

“Shut it!” Andrew scolded and not another word was uttered. “I agree to your terms,” he said at last.

 

Nathaniel almost jumped with excitement. “Brilliant! Let’s get started, shall we? I believe a knife is an order?” He held his hand out expectantly.

 

Andrew handed him a single blade from his sheath and prepared to fight his person for his home.

 

-

 

He didn’t attack first, he would maintain his clear conscience until the last second and let the rest of the world fall away. He had to focus, his life and more importantly, Neil’s life hung in the balance.

 

Nathaniel moved fast, almost as if he was a blur, the blade disappearing and reappearing at impossible speeds. Despite his best efforts and training with Renee, he was out of his league. Every time Andrew seemed to get an opening to the inside, a blade would meet an exposed part of his body, every time he got a nick in Nathaniel’s arm, it seemed two would be returned on his own body.

 

After a few minutes, the cuts began getting deeper. Blood started seeping through his clothes, staining his pale skin, Nathaniel’s hair matched the colour seeping from the pain Andrew inflicted. Nathaniel knew he was holding back, afraid to do serious injury to the body that belonged to the soul inside.

 

Between swipes, Nathaniel chuckled, “You really aren’t going to save him,” he drug the knife shallow, across Andrew’s shoulder then continued, “Not if you half-ass it like this. Do you want to die?”. He paused and stepped back, expecting an answer.

 

Andrew gasped for breath, worn and aching, never dropping his knife from his defensive stance.

In an instant, Nathaniel stepped forward and said “I’m done playing with children and their knives. Let’s finish this shall we?” In the next moment, he had twisted the knife from Andrew’s grip and held his own to his throat and turned him to the team. “I guess so.”

 

Andrew looked at nine pairs of horrified eyes. Still staring them down in a silent plea to not intervene.

 

In that instant, Andrew did the only thing he hadn’t tried yet. He dropped his arms and said “Abram, if you are in there, it’s ok. I forgive you. Forgive me.” And Andrew let go, his body going limp in his arms.

 

-

 

Neil felt a weight heavier than the world hit him. It wasn’t painful, but it was urgent. Then he heard, “…it’s ok. I forgive you. Forgive me.” He recognized that voice, it was real and driving away the numbness. And he fought to regain his body again. The weight was beginning to crush him and if he didn’t lift it, it might disappear and the numbness would consume him completely.

 

His vision came into a slight focus. Everything was blurry, muffled, and then he recognized the heavy feel of a metal knife in his had. He dropped it as if it was a white-hot branding iron was placed in his palm. And dropped the weight bearing down on him, though nothing hit the floor. He stumbled back into a shower, unsure of how he got there and crouched against the tile. He was only vaguely aware of other people being in the room with him, but no pain came, this must be a drawn-out nightmare.

 

“Abram.” His name was uttered, not as a question, but a truth, a promise. The voice joined a face. One he could never get quite right in a drawing, a photograph, in his mind, Andrew. He walked toward them but before he crouched in front of him, scalding water was turned on from the shower, seeping into the fresh wounds and lighting him on fire.

 

Neil stifled a scream from the pain, but the real pain came when he saw the blood running out from Andrew’s clothes. He didn’t remember doing any of that, but he had nonetheless. He finally realized that meant Andrew had to have been the one to hurt him and he knew he had to follow through with the request he had mad on the court only hours before.

 

“Andrew.” He replied in kind to his own name.

 

“Stay” Andrew pleaded with wanting eyes.

 

“I am. I am so sorry…oh god, Andrew, I can’t… I didn’t…” he began to hyperventilate, even with his hand at the back of Neil’s neck wasn’t going what it always had so he did the next best thing. He stripped his sleeves from his arms and placed Neil’s hands on his scars,

 

“I am here. It is ok. You are going to be ok. We are going to be ok. Stay here. Right here and fight through it.” He paused and then repeated what he always repeated to Neil when he needed it. “You are Neil Abram Josten, number 10, starting striker for the Palmetto State Foxes. Your father is dead and you are safe. I am the man who gave you a key and promised to protect you.”

 

After a few minutes, he looked up into Andrew’s eyes asking permission when his voice couldn’t form the words. “Yes,” Andrew said. Then he collapsed into his chest, still gripping Andrew as if his life depended on it.

 

“Do you need your family right now? Do you want them here too? Yes or no?”

 

Neil contemplated his question and considered the other damage he may have done to anyone else. “If they will have me, yes.”

 

“Alright junkie, let's get up,” he said as he hoisted Neil out of the floor of the shower. Neil let go of Andrew’s arms long enough to allow him to put his sleeves back on before latching back onto them, still feeling the pattern of raised skin through the cloth. As they came into view relief washed over the entire room.

 

“Neil?” Renee asked.

 

Neil smiled weakly but with the full spectrum of human emotion. Then everyone rushed to Neil with that confirmation and hugged him with the intensity that if they let go, he would surely disappear. Andrew avoided all physical contact from his overly attached team but stoop behind Neil, not removing his arms from Neil’s grip.

 

After what seemed like an eternity of crying and loving remarks Aaron finally stated. “Look, I am as excited as the next guy about Neil’s return but I think both of them require medical attention and some of us, including myself, have some errands to run for the ratty freshman.” That statement brought everyone back to reality and stepped back from Neil. Nicky gave him one last squeeze and Matt pat him on the back before everyone filed out.  

 

“Glad to have you back kid” Wymack stated plainly with a comforting smile pulling at the corner of his mouth before following the team out.

 

Abby, her medical kit in hand, led them to her office down the hallway to patch them up. After about an hour of cleaning, wrapping and stitching them back together she sent them on their way before heading to her own home.

 

Walking out and heading back to Fox Tower was something Neil was dreading. He and Andrew were finally alone together and he didn’t know how it was going to go and if today had ruined their chances for tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate everyone sticking around :) I love reading every single comment too! Much love <3


	6. Take a Shower and Get in Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The drive back to the tower is short, but it felt like an eternity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of Andrew's past, briefly and the usual.

The car ride was silent. Andrew didn’t speak to Neil the entire time but without prompting, kept his arm in Neil’s, still gripping it with an unparalleled focus. Once they made it across campus and pulled into the parking lot at Fox Tower, Andrew finally spoke.

 

“Don’t you ever...” he trailed off, taking in another breath and looked into Neil’s eyes, finding the strength to continue. “Never again, you hear me? I cannot do that again, you cannot do that again, it can’t happen.” He paused again taking his hand away from where it was still frozen on the steering wheel and placed it on Neil’s face with a feather-light touch. “Tell me before it gets this bad. You have to fight next time, remember the person you have become and so help me god, I will not do that ever again. I have broken too many promises to you today just to get you back. I cannot do that again, don’t make me.”

 

Everything stayed frozen for a few moments before Neil chose his words and uttered them carefully, thinking about each passing syllable as if one slip up would cost him his life. “I won’t. I know what I made you do; I can’t thank you for what you did but know it is there. I will fight next time before it happens. I will be stronger than him, I know how to beat him.” He paused, scared to ask his next question, “Stay?”

 

The last word was a question of whether Andrew would forgive him, a risk Neil needed to take before he walked in to face everyone else.

 

_How could he even ask me that?_ Andrew thought as Neil uttered the last word of his apology and promise. _Does he not see me still here? I wouldn’t leave, not even if I had to endure a hundred of these days. I just needed him to know he needs to fight._

“0ne hundred and fifty-seven percent” was all Andrew said to him before letting go of Neil’s face and got out of the car.

 

Knowing what that meant, Neil let a weak smile brake through and followed Andrew out of the car. They walked together in comfortable silence to their room. All that needed to be said was already uttered.

 

Once inside, Andrew and Neil found their room to be empty. Nicky appeared in the hallway, catching them before they walked into their shared bedroom. “Hey so uh, Kevin and I are shacking with the others tonight…unless you want us all in there?” He stumbled through his words and scratched the back of his head, unable to keep eye contact, especially after the intimacy he had seen tonight between his cousin and Neil.

 

“Thank you, Nicky, I don’t know yet. Give me a minute.” Neil said quietly.

 

“Oh yeah, psh, don’t mention it. Take all the time you need, we got some errands to run for the bratty freshman.’ He laughed and rolled his eyes before gathering the other three to deliver what the freshman requested. Aaron deliberately grabbed the wrong things for Jack and Sheena.

 

Andrew and Neil turned, starting to walk across the living area. Before they passed through the doorway Andrew stopped.

 

“What?” Neil asked; confused why they couldn’t just go to sleep already.

 

“The last time you were in this room, I lost you. Can you go back in or do we need to go to Columbia?”

 

Neil hadn’t thought about it. He took that as a good sign and decided not to think about it any further. “I’ll be fine.”

 

Andrew glared at the word.

 

“I mean maybe turn the temperature down a few degrees. I got too hot and that’s what set me off I think,” Neil admitted.

 

“Do you want me to leave you alone tonight? Yes or no?”

 

Neil’s eyes widened in panic and clutched Andrew’s arm tighter fearing the loss of contact. They hadn’t bothered changing back the stadium because Neil had made no indication he was ready to let go of Andrew, the cold dampness was seeping into their skin. “No.”

 

“Hmph” was all Andrew let out, face with a blank stare as they walked into the room. An empty bucket still was haphazardly discarded on the floor, water stains were faintly visible in the still drying carpet and Andrew’s sheets were also damp from the copious amounts of water pour on them just 24 hours before. Neil moved to go pick up the bucket before Andrew stopped him. “Hot shower now and get changed, I’ll deal with this,” he ordered.

 

Neil did as he was told, wasting no time in the shower, feeling hollow without his anchor.

 

Andrew straightened up the room, he was used to stripping a bed of sheets and changing them, it was almost second nature, he hated it. He changed into baggy sweats and a worn t-shirt. He took his bands off as well, lying to himself that he was doing it to let them dry, but he knew it was for Neil. Now all he had to do was wait for what seemed like an eternity for Neil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy, this chapter did not want to be written. It's short, I know, but I didn't want to make it longer than necessary or make Neil whiney so here's what happened as a result.
> 
>  
> 
> Much love to everyone <3 Thanks for staying with me. I'll make it worth it in the next chapter ;)


	7. Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Andrew and Neil get some rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: again Andrew's past is mentioned. Also, some fluff thrown in for my boys.

Neil’s floppy red curls came out of the bathroom, covering the tops of his eyes in effortless perfection. He was dressed in one of Andrew’s shirts he stretched out and boxers. Before Neil’s steam could heat the room up, Andrew turned the temperature down to 68 degrees and heard the fans kick on.

 

Andrew crawled into bed, Neil shortly after, facing him with wide eyes

 

“Staring.”

 

“I know…Andrew?” Neil asked.

 

“Hmm?” Andrew acknowledged Neil, his eyes closed from being dead on his feet all day.

 

“Yes or no?”

 

“To what?” Andrew opened his eyes to examine Neil’s expression.

 

“I want to hold on to your arm again. I want to kiss you again.”

 

“Neil, I don’t think you are in the right mind right now. Yes, to the first, but I am questioning your ability to handle the second.”

 

“If anything, I am more in the right mind than the one I have been in for the past few weeks,” Neil argued for himself.

 

Andrew contemplated Neil’s argument. Finally, he gave in. “Yes,” and he pressed his lips against Neil.

 

For a while, the kisses were soft, apologetic, the pain of the day disappearing with each moment they sealed their lips together. Neil ran his thumb over the jagged lines of Andrew’s forearm again. Careful to keep his touch light, though his mouth began to betray him.

 

Then it seemed Andrew and Neil started losing themselves in the bliss they created with each other. “Where?” Neil gasped between breaths.

 

“Anywhere above my waist,” Andrew responded, his breathing even but this voice strained, betraying his front of being in control. It had been almost two weeks since they had been alone like this. Neil’s distance hadn’t helped either of them. Neil weaved one hand into Andrew’s hair and the other clung to the muscles that wrapped his shoulders. Andrew lifted one arm to hold onto the bend between Neil’s head and neck, the other tracing the scars through his shirt.

 

They didn’t need sex, they just needed to be close, reminding themselves that they were okay.

 

Neil ghosted kisses across Andrew’s jawline and down his neck, relishing every shudder that escaped his body. “Stupid neck…fetish,” Andrew managed. Neil ignored him, ghosting his lips across his exposed collarbone. Andrew leaned his head into Neil’s neck and repaid him in kind. Placing his lips on every inch of skin he could find. Neil lost his ability to think.

 

They had gotten into the room late, maybe it was three or four in the morning, and they spent the entire rest of the time in the darkness kissing and taking moments to trace lines into the other’s skin.

 

They didn’t go to sleep until the sun came up. Andrew wanted the sun to come in through the window and light Neil’s hair on fire once more. He wanted to make sure Neil made it through the night. Once Neil’s eyes drooped shut and his breathing evened out he allowed his body to do the same.

 

Soon the freshman would come back, and the team would surround Neil with an ungodly amount of love, but until then, he decided to let himself rest for what seemed like the first time in a long time.

 

He could rest knowing Neil was going to be okay.

 

He could rest because he knew they would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short and sweet ending for two short and sweet boys. Love you all and thanks for reading, commenting, and giving kudos. It means the world to me.
> 
> See ya next time <3

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome and I promise to try and update really fast :) Comments are my kryptonite <3  
> also come say hi on my tumblr (@inspired-aspirer) if you want! much love <3


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